Today I feel great. Which is an unbelievable achievement considering I just spent about four days in bed.
My autism causes profound mood swings due to sensory overload. This in turn leads to meltdowns, which results in days on end in bed. Bed is safe. It sounds unhealthy, but don't tell me to get out of bed. Depressives might need to be encouraged to get out of bed (I don't know, I'm not a major depressive), but for me, I need this. It is my therapy. My rejuvenation. My reset.
I emerged little by little over the past couple of days. Yesterday I managed to get out of bed around midday and actually spent some time outside, having a walk. Today I was able to get straight out of bed and have been working in my kitchen all morning. The thought of doing that a couple of days ago was agony. The idea of looking at any of my uni work was utterly impossible.
Yesterday I listened to a podcast about autism and they said something that summed up my entire life so well. I must share it with you. Say there is a pay check to pick up. That's cool, that's easy right? You just need to get the pay check and you have the money you need to survive. But here's the thing. The pay check is at the top of Everest. Go on. Go get it. That's what every task feels like as an autistic. It feels like neurotypical people have the tools to climb Everest, or possibly that their pay check is simply sitting on the ground in front of them. Every task is arduous, and I don't know how to do it. It's a fuzzy maze in my head. A fog of a thousand strings that lead to nothing.
Anyway, I digress - as is autism. When my sensory inputs are at a good level - like today, following days in bed reviving them and surrounding myself with calm and quiet - I have these bouts of mania. I feel so grateful, so unspeakably happy that I am no longer melting, that I go into these overwhelmed states of joy. I am so elated that things are no longer falling apart. I have all the solutions. I have conquered Everest - or at least a neurotypical person has done it for me - and nothing horrible is invading my safe space.
There are no in betweens. Either I am falling apart or I am manically joyous.
I must say, life is never boring.